I have some questions, they are delicate in nature for some, so be forewarned. They are regarding my funeral.
1. How do you choose the person to do your eulogy?
2. How do you choose an executor for your will?
3. How and who do I choose to notify friends/family of my death?
----------------------
Things Peter and I have already discussed that are important to me:
1. Buried or Cremated
2. Funeral Home
3. I have already given some special things away to special people. I want to be sure they have them before I go and that they don't get misplaced or thrown out or given away.
4. I've spoken to the older two children about what they would like of mine and they gave me some surprising answers, so I'm really glad I asked them. Those things will be given to them before I go.
5. I plan to make up some packages of other items that need to be returned or sent to others upon my leaving the earth. Some will be a surprise, others will be expected.
6. After Peter keeps the jewelry he wants to keep, the other pieces will be divided. The boys will each get a ring that they can keep or pass on to that special someone they plan to marry and the girls will get the rest after I choose some things for my sister.
This seems to be a lot about my 'things', but as those who know me best, I attach a lot of emotion to things, they remind me of people or events etc and that means a lot to me. I want to know that these things are taken care of and loved as much as I love(d) them.
------------------------
When the kids go back to school, I plan to write my will. I think I need the day to myself to reflect and to freely display any emotions I have that day without the children seeing me.
Okay I think that's it.
Velda, I think your eulogy should be delivered by someone close to you who is comfortable speaking in front of a crowd. The executor of your will should be someone who knows your wishes, someone who will follow your wishes and who is NOT included in your will. Make sure that person has access to those things that you want dispersed. Pick someone you love and trust.
ReplyDelete~Kim~
I'm with Kim re the eulogy.
ReplyDeleteRegarding the executor. We have designated an executor for each of us. We each picked a brother who has already served as an executor on another family member's will and knows the process. Legally, they CAN be an heir but, since executors are often paid for their work in getting the will/estate through probate, that should be taken into consideration. Not sure how Canadian law differs from US law here, and for all I know, the law in the US varies from state to state... We had a lawyer prepare the will and so took his advice.
I don't know if it is too much to add to an executor' burden but he/she could be asked to notify others of your passing. I'd prepare a list so they know who needs to be told...
I think Kim and Carol have said it all perfectly.
ReplyDeleteYou are a very special lady and I am so thankful to have gotten to know you. I only wish I could have lived closer to have been given the opportunity to know you more.... (((HUGS))))
Bless you my dear sweet friend. xx love you and I wish you peace through all of this.
ReplyDeleteKim and Carol seem to have it covered. All I can say is you are doing a wonderful thing to pre-plan all this. You are amazing and I hope it's a long damned before eulogies are given and gifts are handed out.
ReplyDeleteAt my FIL's funeral, my MIL and oldest BIL spoke. They also issued the invitation to speak if there was anyone else who wanted to. Maybe that's something you could do.
I really don't know honey. ALl I can say is I love you.
WOW. Eulogy. I agree with the above. Someone who is comfortable speaking in front of a crowd and who wants to. I like the idea of having anybody who wants to speak, speak.
ReplyDeleteExecutor. Can Peter do this? Does he want to? My first choice would be my husband. I really haven't thought of anybody else. I think I am the Executor for my MIL. I think I could take control of things in that way for her. Velda, I don't think you need to worry about who to notify who. Everyone will come together.
I hate that you are doing all of this-my heart is breaking reading this. You are such a strong person (I bet you HATE hearing that already). I pray and pray that it will be a LONG time before you even need to worry about this stuff. Heck, I could go before you and I don't have anything done.
You have an amazing attitude and even though I never met you, I love you like a sister. You just keep up that positive attitude and just fight. HUGS.
Diane Casale
I ended up doing the eulogy for my grandmother, even though I hadn't seen her in over 10 years, because I showed up the day before she died and helped my aunt get through it (my grandmother had lived with my aunt for years). I was far enough removed that I could do it without bawling, but I was close enough that I could tell people how my aunt and the rest of my family really felt about her. Choose someone who is emotionally strong enough to handle it, and good with words.
ReplyDeleteYour executor should be someone outside the house. Either a close friend, relative or even a lawyer (although that will cost some). My aunt is my parents' executor. My ex-husband is mine, currently (that may change if I ever remarry). Again, that should be someone with whom you've discussed the possibility and who is open to doing it. It's a BIG job, and it's not pleasant.
As for notification... well, that should really come from family. You may want to write out the newspaper notice ahead of time (we did for my grandmother, and it was so much easier to just fax it in to the paper when she passed) and choose the photo you'd like to have published.
An idea for your eulogy... you're in the dubious and difficult position of knowing what's coming. Have you thought of writing a letter to the people in your life (not a close, personal letter, like what you've been doing for the kids) and having it read at the service? I know that there are things I would like the people in my life to know after I'm gone. There are things that perhaps you have gained a unique perspective on that would have a particular impact on everyone on that occasion. It's also a way for you to offer your farewells to those who have come to celebrate your life.
I'll shut up now... you know I have a tendency to babble... *hug* I love you, V.
Thank you so far for all the great ideas and suggestions. And Lynne, thank you VERY much for the letter idea, I think I'll do that :) I had planned on writing my obituary ahead of time, so I will be doing that soon too.
ReplyDeleteVelda
The eulogy...I agree...someone close to you and is comfortable in front of people. Since you are pre planning you could also meet with them to give an idea of some important things that you'd like expressed to your family and friends and just in general to all. The executor..definately someone not biased, a good organizer helps. But someone not in the family helps too as funerals bring out the worst in some people. Love you forever and always Velda. I have thought of pre planning too just because it's easier on those left behind to know that your wishes are being granted.
ReplyDeleteDonna Marie
God, this sucks.
ReplyDeleteOk, my input. I love the letter from you idea. Even better, video. My brother puts together video and picture presentations for memorial services and they are very touching. Maybe a slideshow of you with your loved ones and friends while you do the voice-over reading your letter. You have no idea how much I hate that you are having to do this. Yet, it's just like you to want to make sure it's all in order. You have been such an inspiration to so many of us.
Ditto to it being a long time before these preparations are needed!
Love you,
Wendy (lotsatrouble)
I hope it's a good long time before you need any of this, but I think it's wonderful that you're doing it. It's such a gift to your loved ones that you're considering all of this ahead of time. I'm sure it gives you some peace of mind, too.
ReplyDelete*hugs* Love you!
First these are important questions delicate or not they are important. My mom and dad made sure all this was handled so that mom or dad did not have to do this when the time came. When dad passed away it was especially comforting to not have to make these decisions at that time.
ReplyDelete1. How do you choose the person to do your eulogy?
Choose someone who knows you who loves you and who would want to tell people about you even though they might cry. But not somone in your immediate family.
2. How do you choose an executor for your will? First check with a lawyer laws are different in Canda then in the US regarding probate etc. My executor is my sister and I am the co-executor for my mother.
3. How and who do I choose to notify friends/family of my death?
Generally speaking the funeral home will help with this issue by placing an obit in the paper. Friends and family will help if asked by making calls to people you feel it is important to contact and it will spread via the conduit of mouth to mouth. When dad passed away we phoned family and informed them and we used good friends to help contact others to let them know. It was just so emotionally charged that we couldn't have made all the calls ourselves.
((((Hugs)))) V it is so hard to have to do all this you are an amazing strong woman and I am humbled by your power and strength every day.
Just as a rebuttal to Bonnie, I've never seen a funeral home get involved with the newspaper obit (and I've handled a lot of funerals in the last five years). While it may be a service that some offer, don't count on it. Or, alternately, ask the funeral home you plan to choose and ask if it's a service they offer.
ReplyDeleteI don't have much more to offer but my recent experience with my Mom's death.
ReplyDeleteThe obituary was written jointly by myself, my sisters and my Dad. It was not done until my Mom went into the hospital and we knew she wasn't coming back out. Split families and who should come first were annoying issues I had to deal with. Cripes it was my Mom's obit not their's!!! Write as much of your own as you can and choose your picture(s). If you are preplanning with a funeral home, they will take it ahead of time. Our funeral director was VERY helpful and gave us samples, printed the cards, provided thank you cards, a reception book and was willing to do the "program" as well. We ended up at the church and it was not completed as well IMO. He also was the one to send it into the 2 local papers and placed it on his website.
I did her eulogy, the minister did not ask others if they wanted to speak and I would have preferred that. I was VERY dispappointed not 1 of my 4 sisters or my Dad said a word.
I am/was Power of Attorney for my Mom and Dad.
I am/was Executor of my Mom/Dad jointly and yes, it was a time consuming job and I spent 100's of hours on the phone. And that was with a SIMPLE will of everything going to my Dad. There are so many companies to call and notify, let alone friends.
There are MANY costs to get your name taken off licenses, cancel cards, get statements redirected, etc. I am now Power of Attorny along with 1 sister at my Dad's bank. Ultimately, as POA for the whole estate and Executor, I "over rule" my sister in the end.
Even though I asked my Mom to be specific about things she wanted to pass on, she did not write it in the will. It caused some issues. My Dad has since distributed all her "treasures" and I HOPE he's changed/changing his will to be more specific ASAP! So glad youa re dealing with MOST of this ahead of time. YKWIM by glad, not that you have to do this but it WILL make things easier for your family.
If you know songs/poems,e tc, write it all out and give to the Executor or the funeral home. As I said, our FD was AWESOME and I just wish my Dad had completed the Memorial Service through him.
I should just call you or discuss more via email. You know you can ask me ANYTHING! I'll be truthful even though it hurts liek hell!
Brenda
ditto to everyone else about the eulogy. At mom's service the minister did the whole thing, although when we met with him he did ask if anyone wanted to say anything. In our family we tend to have family memebers be the executors/POA's, but then there are no split families, bad feelings, etc. to worry about either. Mom was dad's executor, Mike was Mom's executor, POA, and the person in charge of her medical directive (can't remember what that's called). Dave is all of those things for me, if he's not here it's my brother. It is a time consuming job, even for "simple" estates. Mom had everything in a trust so we didn't have to go through probate, but there were still a couple of little things that held things up a bit.
ReplyDeleteI totally hear you on your things--I do the same with mine (they are important to me emotionally). I'm glad you're getting all that taken care of now so everyone knows ahead of time what they are/are not getting. I'm very fortunate that my SIL and I have a fantastic relationship, so there were NO issues involved with dividing mom's things. Mom and her SIL didn't get along however, so there were some bad feelings there (didn't help that mom lived so far away so couldn't get some of the things she wanted).
Ditto what the others said about it being a very long time before any of this is needed <3. Lots of <3 and (((hugs)))
Not sure on the executor issue. At my dad's memorial service there was no formal eulogy, but he had asked a friend to preach on the Gospel (which my dad had chosen for the service as he had planned everything else including the hymns). So that sermon was based on the scripture, but was also a tribute to my dad since it was hard for Gary to do anything else. At Jason's uncle's service last year, his uncle had written a letter to be read. I wasn't there, but apparently it was wonderful and very meaningful--AND resulted in a cousin getting married just 6th months later upon urging in this letter! I love that you are making these plans to make things easier for your family. HATE that you are having to do this.
ReplyDelete