In talking with my wonderful sister (in law) today, I was talking about stuff that should be done and not being ready to start it.
What would you do, if you had limited time to live, under the categories below? I have 4 children, ages 20, 18, 10 and 6 but feel free to answer even if you don't have children.
If you can list about 5 things under each category that would be great :) Thanks :)
1. Legal stuff
2. Household stuff -what would you do with your 'stuff', how would you prepare your home?, would you leave it for someone else after the fact?
3. Your children. What would you prepare for them. What would you leave for them, especially the young ones who may not remember much. If you had a box, what 5 things would you be sure to put in it? etc....
4. Your Spouse. What would you leave for him or her. Same as above.
5. Your friends. Same as above. Would you give them things before or have someone give them later (note, card, special keepsake etc)
6. Funeral. Have you ever thought about planning your own funeral? Picking the music, flowers, place, stone etc? What do you want to be buried with?
If you have any other comments to add, please do....thanks so much :)
ok, sweetie wanted to acknowledge the post but have to deal with the lump in my throat before I can answer. These are questions I have thought about at times, so I will be back with some thoughts.
ReplyDeleteLike MiPa, I need to think. I'll be back. ((hugs))
ReplyDeleteThis is a hard set of questions.
ReplyDeleteThis is hard and I had to take a deep breath when I read it. I am sure more will come to me but off the top of my head from somebody who lost their mother at a young age here is what I wish I would have had. Videos and recordings of her talking and telling stories from her life up to that point. Things about her that only she would know. As a girl advice about getting older, becoming a woman, dating boys, getting married, and having kids of my own. Maybe things that could be given on certain birthdays to make it feel as if you were there with them giving them advice and even on special events that will happen in their life. Ok when I have composed myself I might have other thoughts that come to me.
ReplyDeleteHugs
Venessa
1. Legal stuff - I don't know how Canadian laws differ but, I know in the US, if a person shares a bank account and they die, it causes half the amount in the account to be frozen. That would be something to check on. The best thing I can say in this category is find someone who specializes in this and talk to them.
ReplyDelete2. Household stuff -what would you do with your 'stuff', how would you prepare your home?, would you leave it for someone else after the fact? I would make sure everything is as sorted out as possible...declutter, giveaway what can be given away (but check with family members to see if they want the items first) I'd make sure my spouse and older kids know where all the important things are. This one is a delicate balance to maintain because you don't want to change too much which would emphasize the little amount of time left but you also don't want to leave too much to do.
3. Your children. What would you prepare for them. What would you leave for them, especially the young ones who may not remember much. If you had a box, what 5 things would you be sure to put in it? etc.... 1)video recordings...set up a tripod and a camera and start talking...tell all the stories you want them to know, all about your life growing up, all about your family, all about how you and Peter met, all about each child's birth and what is special about each of them...just talk and talk and talk...I'd make one video and then make a copy for each child. 2)a personalized letter to each child talking about your hopes and dreams and what they mean to you 3)pictures...at least one family picture, one recent picture of you and that child and a bunch of pics over the span of their life...I would make sure the family picture and recent picture with the kid were actual printed out pics but the rest could be digital 4)If there are any songs you sang to them when they were little, make a recording of them. It doesn't matter if you don't have a good singing voice. It just matters that it is recorded in your voice. 5)one small special present from you to the child...a piece of jewelry, something you stitched a while ago, just something important
4. Your Spouse. What would you leave for him or her. Same as above. 1)video recordings...same thing as before, talk and talk and talk...how much they mean to you, any special memories, any private jokes, how you hope they live their life after you are gone 2)a letter...similar stuff as the video but it would be something they could take with them anywhere 3)pics...same as above but for your spouse 4)if you have someone who can do it for you, pic some of your clothes you don't wear anymore and have them quickly make it into a quilt...that way they can wrap themselves in something of yours once you are gone 5)a small gift representative of your relationship
ReplyDelete5. Your friends. Same as above. Would you give them things before or have someone give them later (note, card, special keepsake etc...Please remember this is what I would do...not what I think you have to do...I would try to find the time to write a note to my close friends and, if I have a picture with them, make sure I include a copy of that with the note. There are a few select friends I would probably try to make a video for also.
6. Funeral. Have you ever thought about planning your own funeral? Picking the music, flowers, place, stone etc? What do you want to be buried with? I've thought about this but haven't really done anything with it. I do know that I want to be cremated. Honestly, The sheer cost of a funeral is staggering and, at least by cremating my remains, I can minimize some of the expenses for my survivors. If there is anything my kids wanted to bury with me, those items or notes could be included before cremation.
The only other thing I can think of is making lists of who gets what. Find out who wants what cross stitch pieces, quilts, etc and list (with pics if necessary) who gets what.
Honey, I love you tons and it was hard to even think about this. I hope it helps some.
Yes, this is hard but trying here.
ReplyDelete1. I would find a nice lawyer who could offer a free consult and go over things with me. Sometimes they could bring up issues that you hadn't thought of due to their experience.
2. As for household stuff, I would leave it as is. Family will want to feel you there and the home you made for as long as possible.
3.In a box for each child, I would include:
~ a written letter so they can remember your writing expressing their specialness in your life
~a video if possible of you talking directly to them, maybe bringing up funny things that happened and super proud moments.
~something you wore with your smell on it so they could hug it at night
~a pile of pics of you and them together
~a special piece of jewelry so that when they wear it they think of your bond
~a video to be played on their wedding day as a surprise "visit" from mom
4.For my spouse, a special box as well. Plus I would leave him any monetary assets as it would be him that has to continue to raising the family. I'd also be making sure he has a will in place as well should anything happen to him...guardianship of the minor children would be would be of utmost importance.
5. For my closest friends, I would leave them little items that I know they would love if I could. I might consider making cards with a pic in it because people love pics to look back on and remember. If the chance came about to see them before, then yes in person would mean everything but if not, after would be okay if I thought that my spouse could handle it or was willing to do so.
6. Funeral details, I would ask an expert at the funeral home. This is what they do and are there for and can provide much guidance. They can be a bit like sales persons when it comes to certain things but stick to your guns.
Erynne
xoxo
Wow Velda, a challenge. How awesome. I'll gladly answer those questions!!!!
ReplyDelete1. Legal Stuff. First of all, I would make sure I had my will and my living will taken care of. I would make sure that I gave my enduring power of attorney to someone who fully understood my wishes and not necessarily my spouse.
2. My home. I would start cleaning things out while I could. It's not fair to leave that to your loved ones. I would clean out closets and separate things out like craft items to go to my crafty friends, etc. Old clothes to the Salvation Army.
3. My kids. My kids already have a box. Each box contains their report cards, special badges, notes I found lying around, special photos. Each child got a disk with their childhood photos on it plus some of the Christmas ornaments that we made together, etc. I saved a favorite toy, or a doll or the corsage from their prom. Each one of my kids gets their box when they move into their own home. Two down, one to go. Financially, I would divide my life insurance (after funeral expenses) equally among the kids and my spouse. Each child would get their share and for those under the age of 18, it would be put in trust and I would have a friend control that trust or someone at the bank. (no there is not a theme here about not trusting one's spouse. For me, it's about making it easier on my spouse in the end.)
4. My spouse. I would leave my spouse all of the meaningful things that were between us. My wedding rings, my enduring gratitude for the life we built together, a portion of my life insurance money, our children, our grand children and my blessing to move forward and find a new partner to share his years with.
5. My friends. I have already decided that. My crafty friends will get my craft stuff. I'm not leaving that mess behind for my family to have to deal with. Each one will know how much they contributed to my life and I have already shared that with them. I swore I would never let one person in my life pass through without knowing the impact they have had on me. I would part with whatever keepsake I had planned to give them before I left the earth because half the fun of giving is in knowing the gift was appreciated.
6. My funeral. I already have a plan. I want to leave this world with as little fanfare as possible. I would not deny my family a funeral service but, it will be simple and I want to be cremated. I want "It's a wonderful world" to be the song and I want my kids to scatter my ashes to the wind where the prairie meets the mountains which is where I find the most peace. Then, all my friends and family can get together and have a rip-roaring good party in my honor. I want cheeful faces, good laughs.
Velda, I emailed you with what I'd do. Thought it might make it easier to read since I tend to write novels, lol.
ReplyDeleteWell ok, now that I can breath again after reading that. I agree with what those above said. I do however want to be buried with some stash, like whatever BAP project that is in my bag, extra floss, fabric patterns, needles, just because.
ReplyDeleteNow I am all teary. Many, many hugs coming your way!
ReplyDeleteI agreed with a lot of Kristin's comments. I especially loved the idea of singing the songs for the kids. Each of my kids had 'favourites' that would make them stop crying. One thing that my Mum has started doing is writing down the significance of particular items that we might not know about. For example, she has framed the corsage Dad gave her on their first date, in a double frame with a photo of them at the dance, and on the back of the frame she's written the story of the date. These little pieces of family history are what I'd hate to lose.
I'm not reading the other responses, so there could be a lot of repeat here. But here are things that come to my mind:
ReplyDeleteLegal: Have a will, have decisions about the kids to ease questions--and anything notarized that needs to be, make a list of account numbers and anything that is totally in your name add peter to it now so that he can conduct business as needed.
Household stuff: anything that is "personal" that you don't want others to see destroy or set up someone for that task--for a long time my best friend knew if anything happened to me I wanted my journals burned, now I've just removed the pages that I don't want anyone to ever read; organise as you feel like it but don't stress over stuff; make sure peter and the kids know where things are (statments, passwords, etc)
Children: make video or audio recordings so that they have the tangible (I have thought about recording me reading my favourite stories, etc), write letters--someone recently suggested writing a "what I wish my 16 year old self knew" to seal for when their daughter turned 16--that kind of thing, love on them now whilst giving them the freedom to say what they need to say, talk about family history (give them copies of what you have done) so they can pass that on to their own children someday.
Spouse: this one is the toughest for me I often leave cards or notes for dh where he will find them when least expected so I'd probably do some of that, talk a lot now about permission to raise children/move on/etc (I know you guys are talking lots but it is important to say it), again video of voice and face to watch later
Friends: be certain that dh or kids know passwords for fb/boards/etc to let friends know, if there is something that I wanted a specific friend to have I would put a note on it or go ahead and give it, notes are treasured (your last note and xmas card have a special reserved place right now in my prayer journal)
Funeral: One of my greatest treasured memories was sitting with my grandmother as she planned her funeral--she gave us the songs, the time of day (she wanted to be buried in the morning), etc. We dutifully wrote it down--then made up a mock obit where we did exactly the opposite (funeral in the afternoon, her least favourite songs, etc). We all had a good laugh. That fake obit gave us huge comfort the next year when we were planning the real funeral because we had the memory of her laughing and planning. All that to say, if you have feelings of what you want then say it now. I want to be cremated, dh is not comfortable with that, but by our talking about it we know. I know where he wants to be buried and why (doesn't matter to me since it will just be my body not my spirit). So yes, talk about it. But don't stress about it if you don't have strong feelings.
I am praying for you as you talk about these hard things. Later, I'll come back and print these suggestions to talk about with dh. I think the ability to talk about the end, even when it is a total unknown, is important. ((hugs))
There are thoughts swirling in my head that I struggle to straighten them all out to make sense. Now, when have I really ever made sense anyway? Why start now?
ReplyDeleteHaving lost my mom much too young, the things that mean so much to me aren't really materialist things. I know this isn't helping, but it was more about moments we shared. I do have her wedding rings. I have a ring she gave me to keep for her until she got out of hospital (never happened). I love it, but no longer wear it.
As far as the legal things, I suggest doing a living will kit just for the expense of speaking with a lawyer.
Leaving your husband something that was special to the two of you, a ticket stub to some special thing, a picture. Writing a letter would work too. I like the idea of a letter since it will be a forever a sample of your handwriting.
I think letters or videos for the kids is also precious. Still offering to help with those letters - you know where I am. I love, to this day, to still see my mother's handwriting. It still brings a smile to my heart to see her writing on cards, old pictures or recipes.
One thing, I wish I had from my mom, is some of her recipes. If there is something you make that they kids particularly like that DH doesn't make quite the same way you do, give them instructions how to do it.
I'm about as emotionally spent as I can handle. I have so much more to say, of course, I do. We will visit and until then....
I love you to the moon and back! You know what, I even love you more than that! It's not possible to measure!
Hmmm --- I'll try a few
ReplyDelete1. Legal stuff: will, health power of attorney, legal power of attorney (not sure I can come u with five)
2. Household stuff : are all the important papers findable (my Charlie wouldn't know where to look).
3 - 5. Children, spouse, friends: Have people you love pick out something they want to remember you by and put it aside for them... Saves people fighting over stuff (way too common in my opinion) That goes for the next step too:
3. Your children... especially the young ones who may not remember much: have you considered a letter to be opened on the 16th birthday, prom nite, wedding night, first baby born, etc.?
6. Funeral. Have you ever thought about planning your own funeral? Picking the music, flowers, place, stone etc? What do you want to be buried with? === I never thought about this and am still uncertain I want to be buried or cremated or just stood up in a corner to blow away in the wind (my Mother kept threatening to do that). I think the Plains Amerinds had the right idea!
When my parents died (I was 20), I left the funeral planning to Aunts, Uncles and my then guardian. I was in NO shape to do this then but I really didn't like the open casket/viewing thing so I wish I had been a bit more vocal...
Tammy is right --- I love you more an more each day...
Much much love.
ReplyDeletexxooxx
I'm starting an e-mail to send you with my responses.
It made my heart sink a little reading this, but its important to think these things through, glad you are able to face it instead of avoiding it - that will help you and your family so much in all of this, a good plan.
ReplyDeleteLegal - I'd make sure any banking stuff is set up in such a way that Peter has full access to any accounts he needs, and nothing is tied up that requires your presence or authorization. I'd also make sure he has full power of attorney to make decisions for you, even now, just in case things quickly get to a point where you cant make decisions for yourself (ie medical treatments, kids, whatever else?)
Home - If you're a pack-rat, I'd clean out any stuff that you know is only useful/meaningful to you and either throw away/donate/or give it away to those you would like to have it. Other than that, I cant think of anything you should worry about there, I presume your family would still want to live in the home with your personal mom touch to the place and retain all the fantastic memories of you.
Kids - I love all the suggestions others have made, making each a box with a video and special momentos. I also love the thought of a special thought/note/momento to give each of them on some important future milestones like weddings, 16th bdays, etc.
Husband - I also like the idea of a special video and note, with your most special memories etc. Just for him. For me, I would also leave clear wishes that he carry on with his life, be strong for the kids, and be willing to accept another love in his life without guilt if it happens to present itself.
Friends - for closer friends, depending on the relationship, it may be similar to the kids/family. For the most part though, I think you have already done exactly what you should be doing - you've just been a great friend and continue to be. I don't think there is anything else special that should be done here except for very special relationships.
Funeral: Personally, I would keep my requests here as basic as possible, restricted only to what you really care about and feel strongly about.(ie cremation vs open casket, any momentos you want with you, etc.) I think planning and arranging the funeral arrangements is an important process for bringing closure to the family. I think it would help in their grieving if they plan it in a way that helps them grieve and helps them remember you and say goodbye in the best way they are comfortable.
1. Legal stuff
ReplyDeletewill, you can't "will" custody of your children but it would be taken into consideration if anything (god forbid) happened to peter, switching anything in your name over to him,
2. Household stuff -what would you do with your 'stuff', how would you prepare your home?, would you leave it for someone else after the fact?
No preparation. I'll take care of your house.
3. Your children. What would you prepare for them. What would you leave for them, especially the young ones who may not remember much. If you had a box, what 5 things would you be sure to put in it? etc....
Notes for milestones, notes for when they become an adult, video for them to be able to see and hear your voice, special token for each of them, something put aside for each child for graduation/wedding/first child ect.
4. Your Spouse. What would you leave for him or her. Same as above.
A note. Forgiveness for everything.
5. Your friends. Same as above. Would you give them things before or have someone give them later (note, card, special keepsake etc)
A short note, a special something that will make them think of you like a sunset, special place, certain song. And again, forgivness.
6. Funeral. Have you ever thought about planning your own funeral? Picking the music, flowers, place, stone etc? What do you want to be buried with? A momento from each child. PIck your music and have family members pick one and friends pick one. I would want a simple ceremony.
On a side note, I did a sisters scrapbook about you and I. It contains a lot of special memories, stories and pictures. I know that it will be hard to look at someday, but I wanted to do it while I still remembered everything. It's important to me.
ReplyDeletesent you my response on facebook because this stupid thing won't let me copy-paste. :(
ReplyDeleteVelda, Hi this is Susan's other Bff Gina. I am walking along side you on the same path. I only have one monkey though 14. I started preperations a month after my final diagnosis. I cleaned up my belongings, donating, gifting, listing, and purging. It was diff but cathartic all at once. My will I updated.
ReplyDeleteI have been sick for 11 long years, but none the less not prepared for this point. I don't think there is any way to prepare.
I am seeing a Native Healer now, have been for almost 5 months. He tells me over and over I must make peace with this life and then I can move on. This is the best advice I can give you.
He tells me my son will be okay, I must and do believe this with all my heart. With Mother's like us, who love with our hearts and soul there is no doubt, our children will be okay. I remind my son daily life is precious and for the living. Be kind, compassionate, full of love and laughter, and all the pain in life will not be such a heavy burden. He says everyday spent with me is a life lesson.
My healer tells me to focus on myself now and nothing and no one else. Do what ever I can to grasp happiness and peace and all will fall into place. He gave me a Native Prayer
Great Spirit
Whose Voice I Hear in The Wind
Whose Breath Gives Life
To The World
Hear Me
I Come to You as One of Your Many Children
I am Small And Weak
I Need Your Strength And Wisdom
May I Walk in Beauty.
I read it often and it gives me solice.
There are no books, or guidelines for what we are going through, it is one of life's paths we have no control over we just need to live in the present. the past, and future are irrelevent, it is just the now.
I think of you often and pray for you too. I hope we both can find peace. The worrying about everything is very tiring. I am cleaning up as many things as I can so I can let them go, some days the list is endless, but days like today shared with our wonderful Susan the list seems quite small. Perhaps we should just fill our days with love, laughter and happiness, and the rest will fall into place.
About the spouses, I know mine will be strong, he has to for our son. I listen to them and hear how strong their relationship is, and can hear all will be okay. I believe this to make peace.
I strive for peace, and pray it comes. Thinking of you gina
Hi Velda,
ReplyDeleteI will think on this and add my comments. Not a fun thing to ponder. However, it could be any of us, any time - truly! I hope the responses will help you and, in turn, all of us. Hugs!
Can I ask your advice on what to do for a friend? I'm trying to decide if I should share your blog with her. I don't want to offend, but she is travelling the cancer path with you and it might help her. She found out in November she has pancreatic cancer that has gone to her liver. Chemo is helping but they've suggested she has six months. She is 52 years old and has two boys - 21 yrs and 17 yrs. The worst part is that her husband (their dad) passed away two years ago from brain cancer. She remarried a wonderful man at Christmas who wants to "finish raising the boys". However, he only knows their present and not their past. This post especially makes me think she should read your blog and take some suggestions so the boys will remember both their parents and have some record to look back on later in life. Would you mind if I shared it with her? And, in reverse, do you think you would be offended if someone shared a blog like this with you?
Hugs,
Tracy W.
It is freaky, I think... and part of being one of those organizing Virgos. I did all the organizing for my death when I was about 35. There are probably a few things that need to be tweeked now that it is ten years after the fact, but still, one never knows and it gives me peace of mind to have it all worked out.
ReplyDeleteThe only thing that I I never worked out is who will take my books. Perhaps a Women's Centre or something like this... I have so many books!
Laura
Velda, this post makes me cry so much. For you and for my mom who's back in the hospital and I don't know that she'll come out. I've been doing a lot of this stuff with her since her diagnosis and this past weekend was rough.
ReplyDeleteI agree with so many people on here and you've gotten great ideas. I know my DH and I ahve already started planning and taking care of the fianncial aspect of our funerals. I just don't want to leave my children with that burden if I can help it.
PLEASE provide your family with lots of information about your lieks and dislikes when it comes to your funeral. If you can have it written down, all the better.
Write out all the names of people you want contacted and how to get a hold of them. Provide passwords for internet accounts so people can be notified but also so your accounts can be closed down. I had a friend recently (and painfully) contacted by someone, not her recently deceased friend, to join a group on FB. Too creepy!
I LOVE the ideas on what to leave your children and spouse. Especially anything that includes your voice, writing or your thoughts, memories of special things in your life and theirs. If you have the energy, taping yourself reading children's books would be a wonderful gift to share with their children.
Ok, I'm spent. I'm glad you have such wonderful freinds who can answer you honestly and compassionately. Love you lots!
Brenda