"You will die from brain cancer". "There is no cure." The words were monotone. Direct. Just the way I wanted to hear them.
"Will I live another 20 years?" -- Definitely not.
"Another 10?" -- Probably not.
-----------------------------------------------
Adenocarcinoma. It was a long fancy word. Really, it just meant death. I was okay. No point in being mad, it wouldn't change anything. There was more. Adenocarcinoma with metastatic spread to the brain. From here to there. It spread. Chemo. Radiation. "We can help to prolong your life a little longer."
I'm sure you all have just as many questions as I did. Ask them. I'm here to teach. We will learn together.
My friend is head of the cancer clinic. Actually she's a life long friend, as is her entire family, of my husband's entire family. The main lung doctor is a personal friend of my family doctor. Seems I have everything going for me. I'm at peace. I will follow the rules, get the treatements, do as I'm told and live each day to the fullest.
The hardest thing apart from telling AJ and Ashlee this morning, was telling Tammy. It wasn't difficult to tell her I was dying, nothing I can do about that, it was difficult to know that I was breaking her heart. I called other friends. I had to tell some over the phone which I hated doing, but they were so far away and needed to hear it from me personally. I called daycare parents, told other parents in person and watched them cry. I comforted them. It broke my heart to hurt them. To cause them so much pain. I wanted to protect them, but they had to know. My family arrived and I told them. My sisters cried, my mother in law sat in silence with tears streaming down her face, wringing her hands, holding her breath. I hated hurting these amazing people. I told friends as they stopped by. I wanted to tell each and every person personally. There are those I wanted to tell in person but wasn't able to, and they are now reading it here. And I am sorry. I so did NOT want you to just read it like a headline in a newspaper. I visited my old workplace, Pam's Flower Garden today. I told my friends there. Pam cried as she held me. I'm tired of telling people the bad news. I'm tired of crying. I'm just tired. I will let myself be tired today. And tomorrow will be a new day and I will start again and put my smile back on and brave another day.
And I hope you will all be there to pick me up after this awful fall.....
When youre down and troubled
ReplyDeleteAnd you need a helping hand
And nothing, whoa nothing is going right.
Close your eyes and think of me
And soon I will be there
To brighten up even your darkest nights.
Velda, I know you have been trying really hard to be a rock, to be reasonable, to be strong. It's ok to have days where you can't live up to your own expectations. That's what friends are for. To hold you up when you want to sink into the depths.
ReplyDeleteYour diagnosis sucks. It just plain sucks and it's heart breaking for everyone. Please don't waste a lot of energy trying to make everyone else feel better. We will cope. Use your energy to make YOU feel better (if that's humanly possible).
This just bites..........
Of course we will...you need have no fear on that. You need to concentrate on yourself and not burden yourself with our sadness. That won't help you or us any. Somehow we will find a way to cope even though it totally sucks and just isn't fair. But as we all know, life isn't always fair. But I believe there is a reason for everything (although I certainly won't claim to know what this reason is). Luv ya sweetie!
ReplyDeleteI read and reread this post and here I sit crying!! I'm was trying to forumlate something kind and sweet and uplifing like the ladies above me but the words aren't coming to me.
ReplyDeleteI hate that you have to go through this!! Hell I hate that ANYONE has to but you've been my "online- Sista'" for over 9 years now! I have so much to say but can't find the words... if you can and if you want to, please email me your phone number.
(((Hugs)))
Aurelia
The tears are pouring from my eyes as I keep rereading this. I am soo sad for you, your family...I just can't believe this is happening to someone I feel has been like a sister. I am raging about losing you=(
ReplyDelete(((((((HUGS))))) I just wish I could give you that in person. WE will be here for you throughout this journey. When you need to be picked up we will help and when you just need a hug we can do that.
ReplyDeleteI love you.
ReplyDeleteI can't believe this...keep reading over and over in disbelief. I've "known" you online for a little over 10 years (since our Dec. '99 EC days), and the thought that you probably won't be around another 10 is unfathomable to me. This really bites hard. Love ya V...you're the best. I truly mean it when I say now and I said before that there should be more people in the world like you. I'll continue to be here for you whenever you need an ear, for however long you have left :'(, no matter what. {{{HUGS}}}
ReplyDeleteOh, and of course I will continue to pray for you and your wonderful family...I have others praying for you, also. <3
ReplyDeleteYou are such an amazing person Velda - and I know you will use every possible minute to accomplish everything you need to. (((Biggest Hugs Ever)))
ReplyDeleteVelda,
ReplyDeleteI am here. You mean so much to me. I have never known anyone with your strength. Just know that you are loved beyond words. Your right we will all go through this together as you need us as much as we need you. (((HUGS, HUGS, and more HUGS))).
Velda, that sucks. If you can just let me know who or what I should punch to make both me and you feel better, I'd appreciate that.
ReplyDelete(((((((((((((Sending massive hugs)))))))))))))))
somehow i knew i'd read this today ~ i'm SO sorry, velda! i'm full of sadness, anger that cancer will again take someone i know . . . your caring so much about how others are feeling now is just like my dad was when he found that his lung cancer had gone to his brain and that the end was inevitable. i HATE this f'n disease!! {{{hugs}}}
ReplyDeleteOh honey. Wish I had the right words. Sending lots of (((hugs))).
ReplyDelete{{{hugs}}} Much love to you all.
ReplyDeleteI sit here and I have read this and read this with tears streaming from my eyes and it feels like a really really bad dream. Let us be strong for you now and we will carry you when you need us to, hold your hand even if it's in spirit because we are many miles away, and be that shoulder for you to cry on. You have done the same for us and now it's our turn to do the same for you. This sucks and I don't like it. Let me also say this bites and it's not fair at all. Ok I got that out of the way. I wish I could be there to give you a hug right now.
ReplyDeleteI forgot to tell you that I love you and will of course continue to keep you, Peter, snd the kids in my constant thoughts.
ReplyDelete(((hugs))) It's always so unbelievable when you get news like this....you and your family (families, I suppose...since I know your daycare kids become your family too) are in my thoughts. If there's anything being a military wife has taught me it's to be strong when things get tough...so when you're feeling really weak, know I'm always here to give you some strenght. Luvs ya girlie!!
ReplyDeleteOk I am back what stage are you at? I know this is probably obvious but I am in shock.
ReplyDeleteOf course we are here for you. I wish I had something eloquent to say, but I don't have the words :( This sucks just about sums it up.
ReplyDelete((((((((HUGS))))))))
I cannot put into words what I'm feeling right now. I wish the outlook wasn't so bleak.
ReplyDeleteWe love you all.
Velda, I'm so sorry and saddened to read this today... Know that everyday I am thinking of you & if we lived close by you'd get the biggest Nuyorican hug I could give you... Love ya girl... (((HUGS)))
ReplyDeleteOh Velda. I honestly don't have the words but will try. Unbelievable, mad, so sad, wishful, hoping, praying for a miracle...I have never met you in person but have known you for 10 years. You have ALWAYS been such a positive voice in my life (and I am sure others). Please try to keep a positive attitude going. I love ya and hate that you have to keep telling people. Hugs to you and your family. **crying**
ReplyDeleteVelda, I know nothing I can say right now will make things better, but know that we're sending you all our love & prayers from Sudbury. I will make it to Kingston to visit you again in the not too distant future (after baby is born of course... I'm sure baby snuggles would make your day... not to mention the fact that I can't travel that far right now) Please know that you can call me anytime you need to.
ReplyDeleteHUGS, Please keep up informed, you're strong but know we are here for you.
ReplyDeleteVelda hon, Now I know why you didnt call the other night......I sit here sobbing and totally speechless.....reading and rereading just like everyone else. Please know that this will not makes things harder for me, but make me stronger. I keep reminding myself that you dont
ReplyDelete't have a choice to live or die. I have a choice, and every time I think I want to slip, I think of you and remember how selfish I am being in choosing to....I will fight and you give me the strength to make each day count. I am holding your hand, I will be here every day for you and the family.....so far away but yet so close to my heart. I would love to talk to you please call when you are up to it, but be prepared for the tears, I have to feel it to deal with it today. I love you, I miss you.
I'm in tears reading this. I'm sure this is devastating for all of you, as it is for me. I will be thinking + thoughts for you, V. I know you are going to fight this for all you are worth!
ReplyDelete((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))))
ReplyDeleteI am speechless -- not sure what to say. You have great fight in you and the support around the world. We'll be here to share in your successes and lift you up when you have a bad/sad day.
V for once I am speechless I dont have anything funny to comeback with, I am heartbroken and what breaks my heart even more is knowing what pain those around you are going through. I am not going to cry on your shoulder and let you worry about one more person. I want to thank you for the part you have played in my life and it has been such a great honour to be able to call you a friend! I will email you my hon as I have some private thanks I want to give to you.
ReplyDeleteLove you tons my bud - Debbie
I too am at a loss for words, I'm so sorry. This sucks so much.
ReplyDeleteSoldier on my friend, soldier on...
((((((((V))))))))
ReplyDeleteAll I can say is that I'm glad you have been in my life for as long as you have to teach what I needed to learn from you.
I would like to think that I have learned to appreciate people who are as loving and caring as you and never EVER take it for granted again. You have proven time in and time out to be one STRONG lady and I know that you will battle this for as long as possible. You have many people in your corner praying for that miracle and they are ready for you to lean on them even though you hate to take and rather give to people. Use them ( this includes me too) to help you out in anyway shape or form possible.
This disease so SUCKS and I hate to see that I have to deal with losing another person to it eventually and the 2nd most likely at a young age. It is so not fair and I know that life isn't fair. I do know and believe things happen for a reason but as someone stated above (I'd like a clue to the reason for this!!!)
Hang in there and feel our love and strength hon and know that we love and care about you and your family too.
Hey I know you said don't cry but I need to get it out of system so I can be as cheerful for you going forward ;)
love and ((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))
Jill W!!
Oh V...I've been sitting around trying to figure out what to say and all I can say is I love you and this fucking SUCKS. You are such a wonderful, generous, beautiful person and right now I am really pissed at the universe that this is happening.
ReplyDeleteI don't know what to say either. I know one thing in the deepest parts of my heart--doctors use their intellegience and training to give us their best estimations but God actually holds the number of our days in his hands. Praying for a miracle. Also praying for you to have peace and comfort and ability to live and love each day. Holding the big As and the little Zs in my prayers as well.
ReplyDeleteLove you sweetie. Angels are keeping watch over you and your friends are holding you in love.
Velda, I love you. Praying for your whole family. (((HUGS)))
ReplyDelete{{{{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}}}}}
ReplyDeleteand love,
Henny.
You are in my thoughts and prayers Velda. I just can't believe this is happening. Big ((((HUGS)))) ~ Amy (dec99)
ReplyDeleteVelda, you know how I feel about you (I hope) and I am sending you, Peter and all the kids great big {{{hugs}}}!
ReplyDeleteI am on the other side of the world, Velda, crying for you.
ReplyDeleteVelda, my heart breaks for you and your family!! In 2007 a friend was diagnosed with metastatized lung cancer. She would tell me she was dying, and I would tell her "we are all dying. You just know how you are dying. Now focus on living!"
ReplyDeleteFocus on living...set goals and you will reach them. Enjoy every day and make tons of memories. Most important of all - never give up fighting!
Hugs,
Tracy W.
you know me V, I don't have a way with words. Just know I am thinking of you and hurting for you. Cancer does suck. My mom is in the middle of her 18 weeks of chemo. It is hard on a family. Many P&PT to you, Peter and the kids as you deal with this news. My heart breaks.
ReplyDeletewow Tracy, I'm printing that...it's very profound.
ReplyDeleteThank you, all of you for your thoughts and prayers and love...I feel surrounded
Well Velda you did it too me again.
ReplyDeleteI have been thinking about you since biopsy day and found myself crying and thinking about you non stop.
I thank you that you care enough about all those that love you to take the time to let us know what is going on.
We will be here for you the whole way....
Hoping for the best for you....
I have heard several being told that they are just going to die and they better just live with that fact.
We all are going to at some point.... don't let anything change your outlook on life...
You have a great outlook!!!!
(((hugs)))))
ReplyDeleteVelda,
ReplyDeleteI know that we do not know each other very well due to my spotty attendance online (thanks to bouts of severe depression), but what I do know of you is how warm, genuine, loving, and wonderful you are. You welcomed me when I came to the CSC board and when I came back after being gone for a while. You did not hold my absence against me, instead you understood and welcomed me back.
You are one of those special people who truly cares about others. You don't just "say the right thing", you honestly mean it when you say things like "I hope you feel better soon" or "I'm glad you are my friend". It is obvious that you truly mean those things, that you are not just saying them. You are always there for those you care about. You give to others in any way that you can even to people you've just met.
I was praying for better news for you and I am so sorry that the prognosis isn't a better one. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers that the treatments will work wonderfully and give you many years!
*HUGS*
Missy/Raven